I Heard You. I Just Don't Agree.

There seems to be an interesting thing happening in workplaces lately. You have a conversation. Someone shares their opinion. You listen. You ask questions. You consider what they have to say. And then...you disagree.

Suddenly, the conversation becomes:

"I just don't feel heard."

Wait. I heard you. I can probably repeat back exactly what you said.

I just don't agree with you.

Somewhere along the way, we've started confusing being heard with getting the answer we wanted. And those are two very different things.

Support Doesn't Always Look Like Yes

Being a supportive leader doesn't mean agreeing with every idea, request or opinion. Sometimes support looks like listening and changing your mind. Sometimes it looks like finding a compromise. And sometimes it looks like saying, "I understand why you feel that way, but we're still going in a different direction." That's not a lack of support. That's leadership. If every conversation has to end with agreement for someone to feel "supported," we're not really asking for support. We're asking for approval. And unfortunately, my job description does not include “Professional Yes Person”.

You Can Question Me...But There Is Eventually an Answer

I actually want people on my team to question things. Tell me when you think I'm missing something. Bring me another perspective. Challenge an idea. I've changed my mind plenty of times because someone brought me information I hadn't considered. But there's a difference between questioning a decision and continuing to question it until you get the answer you wanted.

At some point, a decision has to be made. We can discuss it. We can disagree. You can even leave the conversation still thinking I'm wrong. That's okay. What we probably don't need is Round 7, followed by a recap email, followed by taking the issue to someone else to see if perhaps they will give a different answer. Because now we're not really having a discussion anymore. We're shopping for a yes.

Disagreement Isn't Disrespect

This goes both ways. Leaders shouldn't label every employee who disagrees with them as "difficult." And employees shouldn't assume that a leader who disagrees with them isn't listening, supportive or respectful. Healthy workplaces have disagreements. In fact, I'd be a little concerned about a team where everyone agrees with the boss all the time. Either I've somehow assembled the world's most compatible group of people...or nobody feels comfortable telling me what they actually think. I want the disagreement. I want the conversation. I just don't expect every conversation to end with everyone getting their way.

The Bottom Line

Being heard means someone listened to you, considered what you had to say and treated your perspective with respect. It doesn't mean they have to agree with you. Being supportive doesn't mean saying yes. And disagreeing with someone doesn't automatically make either person the bad guy. Sometimes two reasonable people can hear each other completely...and still walk away thinking the other one is wrong. Welcome to working with humans.

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